We continue frank conversation on the love-respect circle between man and woman, and hopefully gain wisdom on how to deepen the marital bond and enhance our patriarchal role. The love-respect circle is mentioned at least three times in the New Testament; twice by Paul (Eph. 5:22-33; Col 3:18, 19) and once by Peter (1 Pe. 3:1-7). Once Paul uses it as a metaphor for how Christ relates to the church. All three tell wives to submit, husbands to love.
I’m going to write about the first element, “wives submit,” because it is mentioned first. Much has been made over this phrase. Overbearing, domineering men love it. Feminists and liberals hate it. All misunderstand and misapply it.
To submit (‘υποτασσω, hupotasso) means to place yourself under, and suggests to me a voluntary response to conditions that warrant submission. Understanding how a woman loves and responds to a man helps us understand how she will willingly and happily place herself under the authority of her husband. The conditions must be right for this to be lived out in a healthy and fulfilling way. I have discovered that at least three elements must be in place for this to work right. Today I speak of the first, respect.
A woman must be able to respect the man to whom she will submit. She must see him as one who has noble values which she admires, and one who will defend those values against all challenges. She must see that he is constant in character and convictions, and that he is kind to women and children. She will naturally honor a man who has these qualities.
Often a woman “falls in love” with a man who has a noble vision beyond himself, who has a sense of destiny and purpose, and a plan to get there. His vision and aspirations capture her attention, touch something deep within her, and cause her to want to join in his cause and stand by his side. She finds herself wanting to be his help-meet, to help him accomplish those grand dreams. With a great sense of admiration she will willingly submit to helping a man like that.
The corollary to this is that men need to be loved this way. They experience love through the respect they receive. They want to be respected by other men, and they want to be respected by their wives. Men who do not feel respected by their wives do not feel loved.
Men need to separate themselves from the smothering, doting, protecting “love” a mother wants to give her child. This kind of love expressed is emasculating, dibilitating. Wives who try to treat their husbands this way do not love them because they do not respect them. Remember that a necessary component of masculinity is the healthy separation from father and mother so that a man can join himself to his wife (Gen. 2:24).
The respect factor will not work if we are simply demanding that our women submit. This works when we have done our part, when we have shown ourselves respectworthy. A young man, with his eye on a pretty girl he wants to court, needs to know what kinds of things will attract her attention and give her cause to respect. After he wins the girl he needs to live out respectworthy behaviors, manners, and dreams.
If she is turned on to a steady, who is faithful in going to work and bringing home a payday, then respectworthy is a good work ethic and Christian values. If she is impressed by a valiant man seeking to conquer the world and solve its problems, the man will live a life of vision, destiny, and purpose beyond punching the clock every day. If a man punches her buttons simply by living his life with integrity she will readily submit.
Men, we do not have the right to demand, “Woman, submit!” at any time. We have good reason to look for it when we have done things to earn her respect.
My next entry in a day or two deals with another element of submission, trust.
I’m going to write about the first element, “wives submit,” because it is mentioned first. Much has been made over this phrase. Overbearing, domineering men love it. Feminists and liberals hate it. All misunderstand and misapply it.
To submit (‘υποτασσω, hupotasso) means to place yourself under, and suggests to me a voluntary response to conditions that warrant submission. Understanding how a woman loves and responds to a man helps us understand how she will willingly and happily place herself under the authority of her husband. The conditions must be right for this to be lived out in a healthy and fulfilling way. I have discovered that at least three elements must be in place for this to work right. Today I speak of the first, respect.
A woman must be able to respect the man to whom she will submit. She must see him as one who has noble values which she admires, and one who will defend those values against all challenges. She must see that he is constant in character and convictions, and that he is kind to women and children. She will naturally honor a man who has these qualities.
Often a woman “falls in love” with a man who has a noble vision beyond himself, who has a sense of destiny and purpose, and a plan to get there. His vision and aspirations capture her attention, touch something deep within her, and cause her to want to join in his cause and stand by his side. She finds herself wanting to be his help-meet, to help him accomplish those grand dreams. With a great sense of admiration she will willingly submit to helping a man like that.
The corollary to this is that men need to be loved this way. They experience love through the respect they receive. They want to be respected by other men, and they want to be respected by their wives. Men who do not feel respected by their wives do not feel loved.
Men need to separate themselves from the smothering, doting, protecting “love” a mother wants to give her child. This kind of love expressed is emasculating, dibilitating. Wives who try to treat their husbands this way do not love them because they do not respect them. Remember that a necessary component of masculinity is the healthy separation from father and mother so that a man can join himself to his wife (Gen. 2:24).
The respect factor will not work if we are simply demanding that our women submit. This works when we have done our part, when we have shown ourselves respectworthy. A young man, with his eye on a pretty girl he wants to court, needs to know what kinds of things will attract her attention and give her cause to respect. After he wins the girl he needs to live out respectworthy behaviors, manners, and dreams.
If she is turned on to a steady, who is faithful in going to work and bringing home a payday, then respectworthy is a good work ethic and Christian values. If she is impressed by a valiant man seeking to conquer the world and solve its problems, the man will live a life of vision, destiny, and purpose beyond punching the clock every day. If a man punches her buttons simply by living his life with integrity she will readily submit.
Men, we do not have the right to demand, “Woman, submit!” at any time. We have good reason to look for it when we have done things to earn her respect.
My next entry in a day or two deals with another element of submission, trust.
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