Under authority, in authority

I have been in conversations lately where the issue of authority has come up. Church members do not like the denominational authorities over us, and openly chafe at them. Others question the authority of the pastor in certain areas, openly resist them. There are complaints about the boss at work. And of course, there are the political issues.

As men we like to be in authority. God wired us to be in charge of our own domain, to fashion something useful or beautiful out of the raw material God gave us. Here in the American South, particularly in my little corner of the mountain, we prize our independence as well as our authority.

To complicate, we are moving into a period of time called the postmodern era, where folks come along questioning and rejecting any authority over them. All authority is suspect, only “community” and “democracy” are acceptable.

Yet here is a truth we cannot run too far from. The Bible teaches authority, and clearly recognizes that God places human authority, however imperfect, into our lives. “The powers that be,” Paul reminds us, “are ordained of God” (Rom. 13:1). To resist authority, he continues, is to resist God.

When Paul articulated those principles he was writing within the context of the Roman government, possibly the most brutal and oppressive regime every to lord over humans. Yet Paul recognized that God had ordained them and recommended submission to them. I cannot imagine a civil government or an eccelsiastical organization in the same league with the Roman government.

It occurs to me that we cannot have authority unless we are willing to live under it. Jesus was mighty impressed with the Roman centurian who asked Jesus to heal his servant (Matthew chapter 8). “I am a man under authority,” he explained. “I have soldiers and servants under me, and all I have to do is speak the word, and they obey.” That was his basis for asking Jesus to command the spirits to release his servant from the torment of palsy. Jesus regarded the association of under authority/in authority as faith, and granted his request.

Men, that means we don’t have the right to beat our chest at home and make demands for wife and children to “submit” unless we have submitted to authorities elsewhere in our lives. Period.

Think about work. Talk about the boss behind his back? Argue, cut corners, show up late, or leave early? This is blatant disrespect for authority.

What about at church? Give the pastor a hard time? Chafe at the denominational expectations and the officials at the home office? You have not placed yourself under authority.

Join in on critical jeers at the President? Other public officials? We like to pile on, particularly if they are from the other party from our own. I heard (and continue to hear) ruthless and evil criticisms against President Bush (particularly from those who claim to be most loving and open-minded) while he was in office. Now I hear critical comments against President Obama from those closer to my own political point of view. Both are disobedient to Scripture. We are to call our leaders’ names in prayer, not slander.

Human authorities are just that -- human. And they make mistakes, sometimes big ones. That does not absolve us from our responsibilities and excuse rebellion. Remember that they, too, are under authority and will answer to higher authority, not you. So shut up, and give respect to whom respect is due, and honor to whom honor is due.

We may value our independence and rebellion but God does not. He calls rebellion witchcraft or sorcery (1 Sam. 15:23) and reminds us that while living in that sin we cannot inherit the kingdom of God (Gal. 5:19-21; Rev. 21:7-9, 22:14, 15). Independence is an idol of pride, and idolaters have the same fate as sorcerers.

You will not be able to adequately and effectively exercise the authority has given you in your domain until you have learned to live under the authority jurisdictions God has placed over you. And remember, your authority is granted not so that you can be served, but that you can exercise the responsibility of true patriarchy in serving your family and those under your care.

Thoughts for a new year

Whenever we trade one calendar for another many of us think about straightening up our act, getting our act together, starting fresh for the new year. Some of us make “new year’s resolutions,” others of us clean out the garage or organize our workspace, or decide to lose weight and exercise more.

Reflection and deciding to take on change is a good thing. It helps us to continually renew, to occasionally monitor what we are doing in light of our goals and values, and to adjust course and change habits.

Let me point you into a direction as you consider new year changes you’d like to make. Think in terms of how you can more clearly differentiate who you are. Are you influenced too much by others? Do you give in on important things to keep peace? Do you “go along to get along” and compromise core values and principles?

And speaking of values, it may be a good time to sit down and carefully think through what you believe and what is important, and write something down on paper. It could be a lengthy narrative or a bullet-list. What could you do more fully live into and be guided by what is really important?

Evaluate your commitment to patriarchy. How can you show devoted love to your wife? How can you be more respect-worthy in her eyes? How can you encourage her unshakable trust in you? How can you make her feel emotionally secure?

What about the children? Spend time thinking deeply about their future, and what you can do now to send those arrows toward the right target. How can you better instill the values, belief patterns, and behaviors that will ensure a good life, pleasing to the Lord? How can you encourage their curiosity and sense of discovery, so that they will know how to learn and discover and recognize truth all their lives?

Most important, what about your relationship with God? Have a reasonable prayer life? Attend church functions that actually challenge you and help you grow in faith and character? Have spiritual mentor to talk to and learn from? Working on reading and understanding the Bible better?

I can’t tell you how important it is for us to get away, remove hindrances and distractions, and think deeply about things like this from time to time. The coming of a new year, and the change of a calendar, can be a good discipline to help us do just that. I’m going to take a day or two to do that. Maybe you can work it out to do that, too.

Patriarch Joseph

As we come into the week of Christmas our minds will inevitably turn to the Christmas story. A love story that turns complicated with the intrusion of an unplanned pregnancy, and a turn of events Hollywood could never make up.

We admire a brave young woman, barely marriageable age, and recently betrothed, for accepting the word of the Lord and agreeing to carry and give birth to the Messiah, despite the severe social consequences she will endure. We have to admire her courage. We have to applaud her willingness to give up everything to be obedient to God. She reminds us that when God blesses us he turns our world upside down.

As with many birth stories the focus most often is on the mother. I’d like to think today about the Christ Child’s adoptive father, Joseph the true patriarch.

He is a hard working carpenter, meaning he could be a wood-joiner and maker of furniture and other products from wood, or a stone mason, or both. He also has social connections. In fact, if it had not been for the Jewish captivity and the turn of history he would be king, a direct descendant of David himself. Prestigious among those who regard those things as important in his world, but not doing him much good in the Roman regime.

Now let’s consider his character. We are told he is a righteous man, and when he discovers Mary is pregnant during a time when she should be chaste, he decides to extend grace, and part ways privately and without allegation or charges. When the angel visits him in a dream to encourage him, he agrees to take her as his wife.

By taking Mary on Joseph willingly compromises his own reputation in the close-knit society of Nazareth. He publicly accepts responsibility (and the stigma) for what everyone assumes is immoral behavior and claims the unborn child as his own. The babe is thereby adopted and for all legal and practical purposes as the child of Joseph. He brings Mary and child under his roof, and accepts full responsibility for their care and protection. He also defers his own gratification until the child is born.

When taxation and registration force Joseph to travel to the home of his fathers, he takes Mary, “great with child,” with him. He assures her safety and makes sure she has somewhere to rest and give birth. After her purification, he presents the child in the temple and offers prescribed sacrifices for his “firstborn.” The Lord warns him of danger from Herod’s paranoia, and he takes mother and child away to Egypt to ensure safety.

We catch a glimpse of Joseph twelve years later, as the family travels with others home from the Passover observance at Jerusalem. When they miss young Jesus after a day of travel, Joseph returns to Jerusalem and searches frantically for three days before finding him in the temple, doing “his father’s business”.

We don’t see Joseph in person after that. But we do see the lasting impression he made on his Son, who at age 30 walked away from the carpenter shop to accept the call to be the savior of the world. We see Joseph’s willingness to obey at great personal sacrifice. We see Joseph’s ability to hear the Lord and to see beyond the immediate circumstance and to live for the greater good. We see Joseph’s ability to defer personal gratification. The mark of a true patriarch is to be able to recognize him in his children.

Joseph is a patriarch because he uses his masculine strength to protect, provide, and make a way for a brighter future. Not just for his family, but for all mankind.

The birds and the bees

Mature content warning: This last installment in the series on the way of a man with a maid concerns the sexual component of the love-respect cycle. It is for mature men seeking perspective of their sexuality within marriage. Please direct children away.

There is no way to get around it. Marriage is a sexual relationship. Douglas Wilson bluntly points out, and I have reminded my daughters, that a man who approaches a woman is looking for a way to get her into his bed. The question is whether he doing it honorably or dishonorably. Bishop Will Willimon reminds us in an equally blunt way that a wedding is where the couple stops off at church before going to bed together the first time.

Men are sexual creatures. They are wired and driven to unite with a woman physically to copulate and to reproduce. This provides a great sense of pleasure and psychological fulfilment. Their actual biological function in reproduction is brief and often repeated. Without moral or cultural restraint of some kind a man would be on the constant prowl. Because men are visually stimulated, the sight of a beautiful woman affects pleasure receptors in the brain, increases hormone production, and makes the heart rate go up. If the woman provides more stimulus with scant or no clothing he is attracted even more. This is a simple fact of life we cannot overlook.

A woman, on the other hand is sexually vulnerable. If she submits to the man’s sexual advances she has the possibility of becoming pregnant and giving birth to his child. Even in our day of birth control there is the possibility exists in her mind. She has the greater role in reproduction because she bears the child and responsibility for him or her until maturity.

The cultural and moral restraint on sexual expression lies within patriarchy, where a man recognizes his God-given sexuality and seeks out a woman who will share his life and his bed, promising to provide and protect her and the children she has from their union.

In the way of a man with a maid the man initiates, the woman responds. So the man seeking a bride seeks out a woman and first seeks to win her attention and her respect. She must come to see him as someone with whom she could share his life vision. Through the process of courtship she must be able to make a good decision that he is not only respectworthy but that he is trustworthy to remain faithful to her and that she can feel secure. When these things are worked out in her mind, she begins to move emotionally toward him with the feeling that she could submit, or voluntarily place herself under, this man.

At this point, the man can begin to woo her heart. He can speak of his love for her and the attraction of her beauty, and how he cannot live without her. This of course awakens romance and hastens the emotional movement toward him.

I want to make it emphatically clear that if a man begins to woo the heart of a woman without first going through the steps of showing himself respectworthy, trustworthy, and guarantor of security, he is confusing her and manipulating her with the hope of getting her into his bed. He is dishonorable. He is manipulating her into sexual submission without the prerequisit responsibility on his part, and he is a scoundrel. The marriage, if it happens, will not last.

It is critical to realize that when romance happens between man and woman they are both sexually aroused, and to not be able to act on it leads to frustration. I advocate and practice a system of courtship in my home, where a suitor must declare his intentions and win my daughter’s respect before he starts to romance her. As a patriarchal father I am determined my daughters will get to the marriage altar with both purity and heart intact. This cannot happen in the current youth culture dating scene, and the father who believes it can is a fool.

When the man romances the woman to to the point she is ready to completely submit, and she accepts his proposal of marriage, I believe a short engagement is called for because they know what they need to know, they are sexually aroused, and they need to be able to morally act on their feelings.

After the wedding it takes work from both to keep the flame lit. Wife, submit. Respect him and rcognize his sexual needs are greater than yours. Husband, love. Live out your covenantal commitment and touch her heart with romance. Love her to the point of surrender.

Love me tender, love me true

As I continue the series on they way of a man with a maid, recall that to this point I have written of what a godly man does to help his wife submit to him. Remember that when everything is working right, the man initiates and the woman follows. Man was created first, then the woman. Man was given mission and moral compass, and woman was created from his side to live by his side in pursuit of mission and moral. I believe the degree of submission a woman is able to freely attain is directly related to the effort a man puts into gaining her respect, earning her trust, and ensuring her security.

I’m wondering if all the effort I put into earning my wife’s submission is part of the command for me to love my wife. Paul admonished Ephesian husbands to love their wives “as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her” (Eph. 5:25).

Love is universally misunderstood. Despite what our culture tells you, love has little to do with warm fuzzies and sentimental notions brought on by a rush of hormones. Although feelings are great, genuine love remains long after the euphoria of romance fades. To love is to remain unconditionally committed to someone. It is a covenantal relationship. In marriage it is a patriarchal relationship. It is a relationship in which a man is heavily invested in the care and protection of his wife and all who are under his authority.

Love your wife as Christ loved the church. Jesus invested his earthly ministry in a few men and gave them authority and power to continue the work. Then he went to the cross to complete the sacrificial system, pay the sin debt of humanity, and then pave the way for the beginning of the church. This suggests that a husband’s love is sacrificial in that he puts aside his own interests to tend the greater needs of his wife and family.

So exactly how is it that a man should love his wife? Let’s look to the text of Ephesians chapter 5 for some clues . . .

Teach. A husband teaches his wife, indicating a need to be the spiritual leader and teacher of the household. Remember prophet, priest, and king? Too many times, due to the man’s inaction and passivity, the wife becomes spiritually advanced and then is tempted to take spiritual matters into her own hands. When this happens she openly disrespects her husband and does not fully submit to him. But this usually has something to do with the fact that the man’s love failed because he did not keep ahead. He was too proccupied with other things. I am convinced a husband needs to study the Scriptures and be versed in the various points of view in order to be conversant on spiritual matters and to be able to answer the questions of wife and children. How could you become the teacher of your household?

Cherish. The Greek word in the text comes from a root which means to warm or to heat, indicating the warmth of genuine affection. While you need sex, your wife needs affection and warmth. She is more willing to respond sexually (submit) when her needs for affection are met. I believe you meet those through respectful manners, kind words and deeds, and expressions of love and devotion that touch her heart. Give attention to the romance of the relationship. I note that a young suitor often expresses love in romantic ways to win his girl’s affection, but often forgets to do that after the wedding. Love your wife by continuing the romance, wooing her over and over again.

Sanctify. To sanctify means to set apart. You sanctify your wife be making her feel special, your one-and-only. Your wife needs to feel you are particularly devoted to her, that she is the most cherished and beautiful person to you in the world. She needs to feel that your expressions of love (verbal and physical) are genuine and directed to her.

The important thing to remember about the way of a man with a maid is that it is a relationship cycle or system, where the efforts of one affect the efforts of the other. Remember the principle: man initiates, woman responds. The way of a man with a maid is that a godly man pursues a woman he believes he can love with his whole heart for the rest of his life, and he declares his love and devotion to her. If she is convinced he truly loves her and is devoted to caring for her, she responds and submits through respect, trust, and feeling secure. This is an emotional response.

Through the years of marriage the cycle should tighten as the man continually demonstrates his love for her. She deepens her respect, trust, and sense of security and well-being. It should only get better.

Next week: Thoughts of love and sex in the marriage relationship. Warning, this one will be for mature audiences only, so be advised.

Safe and secure

Before I move on to Paul’s command for husbands to love their wives, I still need to address one more responsibility we have to help our wives submit. Remember that submission happens when a woman voluntarily places herself under the authority of her husband, usually because she has seen something in him that is respectworthy. This is not something we demand, it is something we earn from fulfilling patriarchal responsibilities.

Part and parcel with trust is the sense of security. When a woman submits to the marriage (sexual) relationship she makes herself vulnerable because she is the one who will bear children. She needs to feel secure in the marriage, she needs to know that the man is covenantally committed to her and will fulfill his patriarchal role.

It is often opined that women really want financial security, but this is not necessarily the case. Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, in their work For Men Only, discovered that women need five things to feel secure. Here is a brief list and description:

She needs to feel you are close. Money in the bank is no match for the feeling that her man loves her and is intimate with her. She must feel that you love her from the little things you do for her. This does not mean sexual intimacy, it means friendship.

She must see you making time together a priority. When you are not working, she wants to see that you value spending time with her and the kids. If you head off to the lake or the golf course at every opportunity you miss it here.

She must see you demonstrate your commitment. This is why patriarchy is so important, and living out the covenant promise we have made.

She must see you active in parenting and the life of the home. She actually wants you to fulfill a patriarchal role, of ruling with direction and vision. She wants you to be involved with the children, and let her talk through situations she is facing. She also wants to feel you appreciate what she does.

She must see you make the effort to provide. Regardless of whether your wife works outside the home, biblically it is the husband’s responsibility to provide. Period. She will feel secure if she sees you working hard at it. Wealth is not the issue, it is the commitment and living up to responsibility. She is willing to endure great hardship, and help stretch every penney if she sees you working hard at it.

When a woman feels secure she can easily submit. You don’t have to tell her to do it. So you see, for a woman to submit as Paul said we men have a lot of work to do. It is the patriarchal way.

Now, next week we begin exploring how a husband loves his wife.

Woman, submit!

We continue frank conversation on the love-respect circle between man and woman, and hopefully gain wisdom on how to deepen the marital bond and enhance our patriarchal role. The love-respect circle is mentioned at least three times in the New Testament; twice by Paul (Eph. 5:22-33; Col 3:18, 19) and once by Peter (1 Pe. 3:1-7). Once Paul uses it as a metaphor for how Christ relates to the church. All three tell wives to submit, husbands to love.

I’m going to write about the first element, “wives submit,” because it is mentioned first. Much has been made over this phrase. Overbearing, domineering men love it. Feminists and liberals hate it. All misunderstand and misapply it.

To submit (‘υποτασσω, hupotasso) means to place yourself under, and suggests to me a voluntary response to conditions that warrant submission. Understanding how a woman loves and responds to a man helps us understand how she will willingly and happily place herself under the authority of her husband. The conditions must be right for this to be lived out in a healthy and fulfilling way. I have discovered that at least three elements must be in place for this to work right. Today I speak of the first, respect.

A woman must be able to respect the man to whom she will submit. She must see him as one who has noble values which she admires, and one who will defend those values against all challenges. She must see that he is constant in character and convictions, and that he is kind to women and children. She will naturally honor a man who has these qualities.

Often a woman “falls in love” with a man who has a noble vision beyond himself, who has a sense of destiny and purpose, and a plan to get there. His vision and aspirations capture her attention, touch something deep within her, and cause her to want to join in his cause and stand by his side. She finds herself wanting to be his help-meet, to help him accomplish those grand dreams. With a great sense of admiration she will willingly submit to helping a man like that.

The corollary to this is that men need to be loved this way. They experience love through the respect they receive. They want to be respected by other men, and they want to be respected by their wives. Men who do not feel respected by their wives do not feel loved.

Men need to separate themselves from the smothering, doting, protecting “love” a mother wants to give her child. This kind of love expressed is emasculating, dibilitating. Wives who try to treat their husbands this way do not love them because they do not respect them. Remember that a necessary component of masculinity is the healthy separation from father and mother so that a man can join himself to his wife (Gen. 2:24).

The respect factor will not work if we are simply demanding that our women submit. This works when we have done our part, when we have shown ourselves respectworthy. A young man, with his eye on a pretty girl he wants to court, needs to know what kinds of things will attract her attention and give her cause to respect. After he wins the girl he needs to live out respectworthy behaviors, manners, and dreams.

If she is turned on to a steady, who is faithful in going to work and bringing home a payday, then respectworthy is a good work ethic and Christian values. If she is impressed by a valiant man seeking to conquer the world and solve its problems, the man will live a life of vision, destiny, and purpose beyond punching the clock every day. If a man punches her buttons simply by living his life with integrity she will readily submit.

Men, we do not have the right to demand, “Woman, submit!” at any time. We have good reason to look for it when we have done things to earn her respect.

My next entry in a day or two deals with another element of submission, trust.