The birds and the bees

Mature content warning: This last installment in the series on the way of a man with a maid concerns the sexual component of the love-respect cycle. It is for mature men seeking perspective of their sexuality within marriage. Please direct children away.

There is no way to get around it. Marriage is a sexual relationship. Douglas Wilson bluntly points out, and I have reminded my daughters, that a man who approaches a woman is looking for a way to get her into his bed. The question is whether he doing it honorably or dishonorably. Bishop Will Willimon reminds us in an equally blunt way that a wedding is where the couple stops off at church before going to bed together the first time.

Men are sexual creatures. They are wired and driven to unite with a woman physically to copulate and to reproduce. This provides a great sense of pleasure and psychological fulfilment. Their actual biological function in reproduction is brief and often repeated. Without moral or cultural restraint of some kind a man would be on the constant prowl. Because men are visually stimulated, the sight of a beautiful woman affects pleasure receptors in the brain, increases hormone production, and makes the heart rate go up. If the woman provides more stimulus with scant or no clothing he is attracted even more. This is a simple fact of life we cannot overlook.

A woman, on the other hand is sexually vulnerable. If she submits to the man’s sexual advances she has the possibility of becoming pregnant and giving birth to his child. Even in our day of birth control there is the possibility exists in her mind. She has the greater role in reproduction because she bears the child and responsibility for him or her until maturity.

The cultural and moral restraint on sexual expression lies within patriarchy, where a man recognizes his God-given sexuality and seeks out a woman who will share his life and his bed, promising to provide and protect her and the children she has from their union.

In the way of a man with a maid the man initiates, the woman responds. So the man seeking a bride seeks out a woman and first seeks to win her attention and her respect. She must come to see him as someone with whom she could share his life vision. Through the process of courtship she must be able to make a good decision that he is not only respectworthy but that he is trustworthy to remain faithful to her and that she can feel secure. When these things are worked out in her mind, she begins to move emotionally toward him with the feeling that she could submit, or voluntarily place herself under, this man.

At this point, the man can begin to woo her heart. He can speak of his love for her and the attraction of her beauty, and how he cannot live without her. This of course awakens romance and hastens the emotional movement toward him.

I want to make it emphatically clear that if a man begins to woo the heart of a woman without first going through the steps of showing himself respectworthy, trustworthy, and guarantor of security, he is confusing her and manipulating her with the hope of getting her into his bed. He is dishonorable. He is manipulating her into sexual submission without the prerequisit responsibility on his part, and he is a scoundrel. The marriage, if it happens, will not last.

It is critical to realize that when romance happens between man and woman they are both sexually aroused, and to not be able to act on it leads to frustration. I advocate and practice a system of courtship in my home, where a suitor must declare his intentions and win my daughter’s respect before he starts to romance her. As a patriarchal father I am determined my daughters will get to the marriage altar with both purity and heart intact. This cannot happen in the current youth culture dating scene, and the father who believes it can is a fool.

When the man romances the woman to to the point she is ready to completely submit, and she accepts his proposal of marriage, I believe a short engagement is called for because they know what they need to know, they are sexually aroused, and they need to be able to morally act on their feelings.

After the wedding it takes work from both to keep the flame lit. Wife, submit. Respect him and rcognize his sexual needs are greater than yours. Husband, love. Live out your covenantal commitment and touch her heart with romance. Love her to the point of surrender.